Monday, October 26, 2009

Sunday Scribblings~Shame # 186

“A man should never be ashamed to own that he has been in the wrong, which is but saying... that he is wiser today than yesterday.” ~Johnathan Swift

Shame comes in so many forms. Hiding truths, dishonesty, betrayal. I have shame in the truths I have hidden from others. I am slowly learning to deal with this truths and try and face my shame so I can be open about them, so that I can face them.

I was in an abusive relationship. This is a shame an a truth that not only is hard to face, but carries a great shame. I am not ready to talk about or disclose my shame in this, I am working on it.

On the same token, I do not hold the same shame as much anymore, or so I think, but doesn't shame still exist, if you keep silence and and do not talk about your situation?

I feel shame that I ended up in it, and thought I would react differently to it. The influence of being in this situation, and what I have been told is right and wrong and my decisions has created my ultimate shame!

But I am going to use this shame and become stronger because of it.

See more Shame stories.

Random@ 11:21 on a Monday Night

Well, I find myself here at the computer, wanting to go to sleep. But at the same time, not, because I feel the need to write. To write something worth reading? Perhaps. I have been slacking. BIGTIME! I wanted to start this new blog off with keeping up with Sunday Scribblings, and I haven't. I would really love to know how everyone finds the time in their lives to blog. Me, personally, I feel overwhelmed. By life and time.

There is an honesty streak in me. I feel trapped right now. Going in the wrong direction and taking every path but the one I choose, based on everyone else's decisions but my own. Funny, as I look back not much has changed but in the same moment, a lot has also.

We have drama going on in our family at the moment. A close relative passed and we still manage to have drama. So sad in my eyes. Then there is my cousin, who took his own life last april before his 27th birthday and there is still dram surrounding him; between parents who can't seem to stop blaming one another.

"I know Chase", I get it, enough all ready. I wish I could get through to someone for you and make them realize, that this is part of the reason, you are not with us today.

Anyhow, Sunday is the day where I will actually spend time writing a bit each night, National Novel Writing Mont "BEGINS", I am so excited I cannot wait.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

National Novel Writing Month

Yippie, It's almost here NaNo(National Novel Writing Month. I am so excited!!! Every single year, since October 2006 when I made my first attempt to try it, I did not finish. Actually, I think once I signed up but never even had the chance to start. This year though I have everything mapped out and I am good to go.

I am even reading the book No Plot No Problem-The NaNo Handbook. It has been a great inspiration to me. I am determined to finish this year. It is on my goal list for 2009 and I will be especially excited to cross it off my list as an accomplishment.

I am using this as a way to challenge my inner writer who has been asleep for too many years now. Waking up my muse by completing this is my ultimate goal.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Today Was Not The First Day of Kindergarten

This picture was taken at the very beginning of the summer and it was my daughter's first ever time on a pony. Then, at camp she road them at least once a week. Tonight, out of the blue, horses came up and she asked about being able to go to stables and ride horses (or ponies) again.

It made me think about a child's life in this day and age and being a parent who wants to expose their child to lots of things, and give them the world. But at the same time too much can also be daunting to even them.

So, I have decided to look at all the activities she would like to do and figure out a system where she can have activities and go to school and not get burned out. This is because she will be going to the Atlanta International School, for kindergarten and they do immersion language. C is on the Spanish track and will have her classes in dual language. We were specifically told for the first six months of school not to let them do to much outside of school in terms of extra curricular activities because of the intensity of the program.

So for now, it is soccer and maybe come winter we can look into the horse thing. I just hope she won't want her own horse. When she is older perhaps and can help take care of it...maybe I would consider it.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

First Day of Soccer

Today, was the first day for my daughter playing soccer on a real team. I have wanted to sign her up before now, but up until this summer she was not so independent and comfortable doing activities without me having to watch her every second and she had a tough time if I left her in an activity on her own.

At summer camp this summer, that all change in an instant. By the second week of camp, she was jumping out of the carpool lane in the morning and not even looking back to say good bye. Yep, she came out of her shell and bloomed into this confident and independent child, that walks up to other kids, asserts herself and talks freely. A kid that seems ready to take on the world. I can't begin to tell you how happy it makes me not to have her stuck to me like glue anymore.

Anyway, we've been practicing soccer for a while, since it was one of the sports that I played when I was young and throughout high school and she took to it right away. As hot and humid as it was out their today. She had a blast. Smiles all over the place and the excitement on her face that she was actually good at it. And believe me, I was beaming myself on the inside. My baby is growing up and really becoming her own little person. It is truly an awesome experience to see. I have no doubt that she will be successful in whatever she chooses to do as she grows.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Sunday Scribblings #175 ~NEW "MORNING"

It's 5 am.
I stand holding
a hot mug of coffee,
steam rising into the air.

Where I stand on the back deck,
I can look out and see
the purple-orange haze of the sun
on the horizon.

A slight fog is beginning to lift,
slowly into the air.
It's thickness now evaporating.

A wet dew covers the grass,
bushes,and leaves.
It is extremely still and silent,
almost eerie.
I listen and focus intensely
for the slightest sound.
The bark of a dog
or song of a bird.
But there is nothing.

My mind wanders,
as thoughts begin to rush
into my mind and
I become engulfed in my surroundings.

As the moments pass
I notice suddenly in the distance
a loud siren roaring down the street,
the honking of car horns,
the laughter of children as they walk to the bus,
the garbage truck crushing machine compacting trash
and the sound of lawnmowers
and leaf blowers from the house
diagonally across the street.

A new day has begun.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Trip to Buy Soccer Gear

So tonight we piled in the car and went to Dick's Sporting Goods to buy soccer gear for my daughter who will begin playing soccer for the first time this weekend.

It definitely was an experience. It is nothing like it was when I was a kid and you actually had sales people in the store who were VERY knowledgeable about how to fit cleats, shin guards etc. No, now there are just bodies standing around who have basic knowledge but not so convinced they really know what the heck they are doing.For a five year old, even an xs sock runs large, there were no xxs'. My daughter is a bit on the tall side as well as a bit on the big side for her age and the shin guards look way to small. It only took three try's but I think we aced it on the shoes.

We will see on Sunday when she is out on the field how things work out. In the end all that is really that she has fun.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Sunday Scribblings ~ #174 Anticipation

I anticipate:

* Sitting down each week, rejoining and writing my
Sunday Scribbling
(it has been ages)
* My daughter is starting Kindergarten in a three
* Working from home at the beginning of next year
* NanoWriMo:This year I have a theme, have been
practicing and will finish
* Endings to most every book I read, especially when it’s one I cannot put down
* Getting something I ordered in the mail
* Hearing from friends I haven’t heard from in a while, but see what has
transpired in their lives through either facebook or twitter
* The progress I make as I make major changes in my life

I love anticipation. It fuels me. It makes me want to start things just to know how they will end.

Check out more Sunday Scribblings here

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

So much excitement in the air!

Well, I am sitting here working on my blog. Throwing out ideas. Making a mast head, etc. and so on. I am really excited to see the results. So stay tuned.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Once A Tongue Tied Muse

Don't get set into one form, adapt it and build your own, and let it grow, be like water. ~ Bruce Lee

I used to be the tongue tied muse here. Then I was the tongue tied muse here. The second site I took down because, I could never get it designed just the way I wanted it to reflect who I was. 
Things happen in life that make us reflect and question on whether we really want what we have at the moment. Whether we are on the right path. I felt like I was half expressing myself with my blog. I questioned myself as to why I had started writing on in the first place and whether it was really for me. 
I loved to write to the various prompts from Sunday Scribblings on a weekly basis, but found myself ending the week scrambling to find me time to consistently keep up with posting.  I would read and subscribe to so many other blogs that were so superior, I thought I just do not think I have what it takes to be a blogger. 
So, here I am again. A new name, a new start and the vision and belief that I can do this and make it successful this time. So I am now a The Self Altered and ready to share my stories here on my new blog.