Sunday, August 22, 2010

Heartwork E-Journaling Workshop~Playing Catch Up

My practice of breathing is becoming better and slightly more comfortable. I have been practicing even when I am not doing these writing exercises so that I can also relax. I do still feel tense and strange in certain moments, especially when I am trying to hard. My breaths just don't come naturally in these moments.
It is Monday, August 16th and my daughter and I just arrived home from the pool. There is a strong smell of chlorine in the air, as our wet towels, hang to dry in the laundry room. I am extremely tired. It has been many years since I have been swimming on a regular basis and the workout of laps has been pretty intense. I am not really in the mood to do anything at the moment but crash on the couch and read a book. But I am here, writing because, I am also trying to get back into the swing of this thing I also love called writing. My daughter is watching Hannah Montana in the other room, I can hear the blaring t.v. and wonder why does it have to be so loud. She's six and she will be deaf soon if she continues like this. Kids, you have to love them, in all their innocence. I do not even have to be in the room to know she is lying across a large brown leather chair, eyes fixated on the t.v and singing when the songs play. This is her routine. I decided to make myself so tea, to help me wind down and relax. From where I sit in my office I can see the steam from the kettle start to emerge. I think I will make an Yerba Matte Latte. I can already smell and taste the fresh almond milk and sweetness of the honey on my tongue. Whenever I sit at my computer and write, I listen to Pandora. At the moment I am listing to a Nora Jones station, and tapping my toe to the floor. It seems geekish, but at the moment I don't care and continue as I loose myself in my words.

Wow! Summers here in Atlanta seem to get hotter and hotter, muggier and muggier as the years go on. I am sitting on my deck in the backyard and trying to breath through all this humidity seems impossible. There is a slight breeze, but I wouldn't say it is anything that really makes a significant difference, if you even notice it at all. Our yard is open on one side to the street. We live in a very quirt neighborhood. and there is not much of anything going on at any one time. People seem to be sporatic when walking their dogs, or kids playing in the street. Even cars don't drive by that often. From the inside of the house you rarely notice a sound from outside. Perhaps that is also because the houses are not so close together. Our neighbors directly behind us built a pool just before the summer started. I hear the kids splashing, laughing and also fighting, apparently over some toy. The house on the other side is empty and the grass is growing. The neighbor in that house recently began to get alzheimer's and was moved into a home, so the house sits empty and it is eerily quiet. Snickers our neurotic dog is running circles up and down the lawn, as my daughter stands on an old tree trunk and singing songs, and acting out her own play. As I look up into the bright blue, cloudless sky, I see a half dozen or so hawks circling in the air. Some up high, other so low I wonder if they could potentially swoop down and grab my dog. This is fun being out here, but at the same time, it is too hot to really enjoy. So, I am calling it quits and heading inside to cool off and get some air and a nice ice cold glass of water.

My love list:
Raw Ice Cream
Listening to Music
Trying to Do Art
Ice Water
Yerba Matte Tea
Learning Languages
Juicing/Green Smoothies
Video Games

What I love the most on my list is reading. I love books, all genres. It is actually my favorite thing to do and I wish that I had a job where I could just read all day. There was a time after which I had my daughter where I put reading on hold because I either could not find the time or I was just too tired. It was a hard time in my life not to be able to loose myself in a good book. I love to spend hours at the book store, in a cozy chair with a coffee or tea and read. I buy books a lot from the bookstore, on amazon, or at the library book sales. I also borrow books from the library a lot as well. The bookstore and the library are like my second homes. It think for me books and reading are an obsession. When I was a child, I wanted to be a famous author who read, wrote books and owned her own books store on the west coast.

Dear Lisa,

I just heard about your pending divorce. Knowing you as a person, I am sure it is hitting you pretty hard. Your marriage (or lack of) was trying, and chaotic to say the least. But you really did give it everything you had under the circumstances, and for that you should be proud. Despite all the suffering you went through, you always managed to put on a brave face, give him the benefit of the doubt and find it in your heart to forgive, continue to love and move on. Remember, he is ill. I admire you for being able to have so much love for a person who was really not very worthy of it. Someone who treated you so badly, and was never willing to do what was necessary for you to have a loving, stable family with him. I commend you for sticking it out. He is making the choice to give up. You might not realize it now through all your hurt and anger, but it is for the best. He wasn't at all what he should have been for you or for your daughter. It is possible he would have never been capable. You both deserve so much more. You deserve to be loved, cared for and protected. You never really had a chance to live what a real marriage is suppose to be. Remember the happy moments you had with him, even if sometimes the horrible ones felt like they were stealing the happy one's away.

I want to reassure you that your pain, anger and sadness will go away. It will fade with time and you will heal. You will find true happiness again. I am here for you any time you need my support, a shoulder to cry on, or to make you laugh and hopefully not forget completely but cherish the good things about this experience, and help you to move on.

All my love,

Your friend, me.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Heartwork E-Journaling Workshop ~Reflection

I am currently doing a e-journaling course that beings today through Kate Johson's site Heartwork. I am always wanting to journal and blog and often find myself not following through as I should. This is not only making me accountable, but also it is making me try a different way to let loose on what I write. The first assignment is on reflection. So, here it goes:

When I breathe, I feel stuck. Breathing does not come easily for me and I cannot seem to focus when I force myself to try and breathe. I would love to take yoga and excel at it, but I freak out every time the breathe portion comes into play. Perhaps, it is because I have never truly learned how to breathe? My not knowing how to breathe, makes breathing more difficult for me. So that is the hardest part so far for me on this journey.

Reflection on the other hand is not. I am always reflecting on my life, myself and the things that go on around me. I like to try and change and grow in my life whenever there seems to be something out of balance. Or at least out of balance in my mind. I have been told many a time, I am too over analytical about things and life.

At the moment and recently, I am deep into reflection because I am about to go through a divorce. One that has been a long time coming, but not for the right reason's. One that could be unavoidable, but I do not really have a say in the matter. My husband has a mental illness and it has dictated our whole relationship.

My emotional self is the forefront of my attention, as is my external life, because my whole situation not only affects me but my six year old daughter. When I really reflect, I realize that my emotional and external life has be the forefront of my attention for many years, seven to be exact.

When I stumbled across the Heartwork blog and saw this e-course, I was drawn to what I read. I wanted the opportunity to take the class. (Besides being faced with a divorce, I have also been unemployed and recently found a job that is due to start at the beginning of September)

Reading the words Heartwork clicked with me. It made me realize it is just what I needed to do. I thought immediately it would be an opportunity for me to maybe be able to express what has been blocked and buried deep within me; waiting and wanting to come to the surface. A chance for me to heal the emotional and external things that are demanding all my attention. To possible gain the freedom and force myself to really ask myself hard questions and move forward through journaling. Something, I have not been able to do without the prompt or push of someone else. With this, I won't freeze when I look at the page, hopefully, I will express.

I am not 100% sure that what I have written here has anything to do with or answered all the questions that were asked in the reflection exercise, but I wrote what came to mind and moved me in my attempt. Thanks for allowing me the experience and to be a part of this course.