Monday, April 16, 2012
I miss you, lots. My heart really feels like it is breaking, I actually feel slight pangs of pain when I think of you. I have spent most of the past days crying my eyes out, especially at specific moments. The house is so quiet. I didn't wake up to you wanting to go out in the middle of the night, or you following my to the kitchen fist thing in the morning to eat. Coming home the day after your passing seemed especially hard because you were not there to great us with you barking, jumping, wagging tail and wanting to be fed your dinner.
I know the last few weeks of your life was hard for you. It was for me too, I know you were not feeling well and hurting, so was I because I had to watch you suffer. I tried everything I could to make you feel better, on the advice of the vet as well as my own research and natural health remedies. Do you know how much it hurt me to see you in such pain? I couldn't bear it.
You were always my baby! At two months old (1999) you walked into my life, this scared and shaking little dog at the pound, looking for a good home. When I saw you, it was love at first sight and a connection so strong. I will never forget the first day I brought you home. When I put you down, you did not dare to move or explore your new environment, without a nudge from me. But when you felt comfortable and knew it was ok, you got into everything. Shoes eaten, food stolen off the counter, taking off and exploring the neighborhood, me worried but you finding your way back home.
Yes, I tried to crate train you, without success. Then tried a baby gate in the kitchen, but to my surprise, I came home and you were waiting for me at the door, tail wagging, full of kisses, and love. Leaving me to wonder how you jumped over the gate without doing damage to your little puppy self. That was a sign for me that this was going to be your place, your home. No, I was not a strict mommy, I saw what was mine as yours and relished in the knowledge that I had you in my life.
Nights, you would sleep next to me on the bed, and I would listen to you breath. As you grew older you went into protective mode and no one could set foot into our apartment without you trying to nip at their ankles and try and let them know "you were boss" and that you would not allow them to hurt me.
Then Ibi came, my future husband to be, you weren't so interested at first, he was invading your space, but he won you over with treats. The three of us grew into a little family, and he learned to live with his first ever dog.
Two years later little Caitlin showed up. I was nervous at first how you would be towards a baby, but you were amazing. Very curious about this new little life that was around all the time, but you loved and protected her always. As she grew older you two formed a bond that even she didn't realize how strong it was until this unfortunate event. I remember her trowing things for you to catch and bring back. I remember her wanting to play tug-o-war with you rope with you, but you were always cautious about how you played with her, because you knew she was a child.
April of 2005 we had our first time seeing you ill and I was afraid I was going to loose you then, because you became deathly ill with GME: only after seeing the specialist, believing you could get better, and lots of love and care for you did you beat the odds. Odds that allowed you to spend the next seven years with us, and helping to grown my love for you even more.
How bright you were Snickers, when I would say "wanna go for a walk" you ran to the back door, or got excited. If I said " Snickers bath?" you would run away and try to hide because you hated water so much. Reminds me of the time when you were puppy and you jumped in a pond, this look on your face when you realized what you had done, I have never seen a dog swim so fast to get out of the water.
Needless to say to you, how heart broken I became over the last few weeks to see you getting sick again. It tore me apart to think we missed the signs and did not get you to a doctor sooner. After you took such a sudden turn for the worse last Saturday night (April 14th), into Sunday morning that we ended up back at the specialist, after what your vet had subscribed did not work. Only to find out that this time around, spending the money to try and save my dog (who was now 12), would not have meant saving you at all. It tore me apart to know that my only option would be to give you your peace and say good bye and that you would never becoming home again.
My only hope is that that day you had some realization of what we were saying to you when we said our goodbyes, that you knew just how much I/we loved you and how hurt I was to have to let you go like that. I did not want to see you suffer anymore. I hope that you felt our presence and comfort in the room.
We received a really nice note from the doctor today in the mail, with your paw prints. There was lots of comfort in that note and we we will frame both the prints, the note and a picture of you.
My dear Snickers, Mommy always loved you so much and I will miss you deeply. I hope that you are doing well, and that you are at peace and out of the misery of your illness. Your spirit is with me always, and I will always keep you close to my heart. Please remember us and know that the love we had for you.
Caitlin and I went for a walk tonight in your honor and we all will cherish the memories we had for you.
So, goodbye and farewell my beloved Snickers! I will miss you always!