Sunday, November 13, 2016

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I sit at my computer often and listen to Spotify, while I work on whatever it is I am doing in the moment. There are many times a song plays on shuffle and suddenly, I think of you. A lot. I think of you a lot, and I am not ashamed to admit it. 

Occasionally, I will go to your Facebook page to see what you are up to, if I don't see a blurb about your life cross my newsfeed because I am not on Facebook often. But I try to stay away, I don't want to be the stalker type. Though, at the same time, it seems so easy. I always want a glimpse into your life, as it is now. 

It's crazy to me sometimes, to think that I still think of you, as much as I do. You are never far from my heart. You, really after all these years, never left

I often wonder, what would life be like now, had I not made such childish mistakes with you. 
I know it seems so crazy, when it is said out loud; but I have to be honest and say that there is a part of me that still holds such regret, and an empty space in my heart and longing for you. 

It might seem weird to you, that a part of me has held on, for so many years, but I felt a love with you that I never felt with anyone. Yes, though I think you doubted it at the time, I did not love him, I loved you. Only you. 

The memories of my time with you are still so vivid after all of these years. So much so, you invade my dreams, at moments when I least expect it. I have such strong regrets of my behavior. I so often wonder, what if? What if, I had been mature enough to have made better decisions when it came to us. Where would we have ended up? 

I know for a fact, even if it was never spoken, after the fact, that we had a connection. It was deep. I think you loved me, just as much as I loved you, even through all the turmoil of my indecisiveness. Am I wrong? 

What's meant to be is meant to be? Correct? Or is it? I hear people always say, and I have subscribed to the belief myself, that things happen for a reason, if it had been meant to be...it would have been. At the same time, I wonder, does the Universe really create our destinies? Or do we shape them ourselves by our actions? I think I have definitely had a hand in shaping mine, through my actions, I lost you.

I just want you to know, that I am sorry, for the way I acted, the things I said that were totally out of line, mean and obnoxious. I was totally wrong and not mature enough for what you wanted to be for me.  I want you to know I really loved you. I regret the way I treated you, the stupid things I said and did. I am sorry I was not strong enough to put us first. I want you to know that a part of me has never stopped loving you. 

Everyday, I am faced with a poem, that you wrote to me. I keep it as a reminder of the great lesson you taught me. That, you have to be present, see what is in front of you, and hold on to what matters most. 

I will never stop thinking of you and wondering, "if you were the one that got away". But,  I wanted to thank you for showing up in my life and loving me the way you did. 








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